Haircuts
by Athenaktt
Summary: COMPLETED! Ever wonder who cuts hair in Atlantis? Well what if Sheppard convinced Elizabeth to cut his hair? SheppardWeir


_**A/N:** I blame this plot bunny solely on my friend GrooveKittie and her asking me "Who cuts hair in Atlantis!" because of that question. This ficlet spawned._

**Haircuts**

John paced back and forth in Elizabeth's office. He had been waiting for her for at least ten minutes now, and she was still no where to be seen. He looked through the windows of her office and tried to see if she was in the control room, but she wasn't. He even strained his eyesight to see if Elizabeth was outside in the balcony since laziness prevented him from walk across the room to find out. She wasn't there either. Though he thought he saw Rodney trying to talk to a female scientist, but laziness also prevented him from finding that out as well.

He was starting to get impatient, so he started to pick up the random sculptures on Elizabeth's desk to observe like he did countless of times during every other meeting he had with her. He noticed that Elizabeth had displayed the jar he gave her for her birthday on her desk. He picked it up and opened it. He didn't know what he was expecting her to put in it. Maybe mints. It was empty. He made a face and put the jar back down. After he got bored of staring at Elizabeth's collection of strange objects, he just stood looking out one of the windows down into the gateroom.

Then he noticed that he could see his own reflection from the window. For some reason, his hair looked different. He brushed his hand through his hair as he observed his reflection in the window. His hair was getting long. He was going to need a haircut soon.

Since he was amused by how his hair was sticking up, he tried to push his hair down flat with the palm of his hand. As soon as he removed his palm, his hair just stuck up back to its original spot. Then he tried combing his hand through his hair in a one direction, then another. No matter which direction he combed, his hair still returned to the same haphazardly appearance. He didn't know how long he was playing with his hair, but he was so engrossed with his hair that he didn't hear Elizabeth enter.

Elizabeth entered her office to see John looking out one of the windows with his two hands brushing his hair back and forth like an ape. Elizabeth stood behind John and stared at the ridiculous sight before her for a moment. She was amused yet confused at the same time.

She cleared her throat hoping to get John's attention, but he still didn't hear her.

"John, do I need to order you to go and talk to Doctor Heightmeyer?" Elizabeth finally said.

John quickly removed his hands from his head and turned to see Elizabeth.

"Elizabeth, I didn't hear you come in," he said, pretending she didn't see what he was doing.

"I'm sure you didn't. What were you doing? Making a new 'I'm crazy' signal?" she teased and walked towards her desk.

"I was waiting for you."

"You waited for me with your hands in your hair looking out the window?" she asked furrowing her eyebrows.

"Oh that…well…you were gone for a long time and I noticed my hair was getting long from the reflection on the glass there." He pointed to where he stood earlier as he sat down in the chair in front of Elizabeth's desk. Elizabeth sat down and raised and eyebrow to John's explanation. "You don't believe me."

"I believe you, John. I just didn't know that my ranking military officer was so vain. I'd expect that from Rodney, but you?"

"I'm not vain. I just noticed it's been a while since I've gotten a hair cut, and I was amused at how my hair always manages to stick up no matter how I brush it," he said, absentmindedly combing his hand through his hair.

"You brush your hair?" Elizabeth asked surprised. "I thought you just roll out of bed and come here every morning."

"I'm insulted. I'm low maintenance, but not _that_ low," he said. "Do you know anyone who knows how to cut hair here?" he asked. Elizabeth looked at John. "I'm serious. Is there anyone here who knows how to cut hair?"

"Well, choosing barbers wasn't on the top of my list when I chose members for this expedition team," Elizabeth said folding her hands on her desk.

"Yeah, for good reason." John slouched back into the chair, "but I'm sure out of the couple hundred people here someone must know how to cut hair"

"Yes, I'm sure there are. Maybe you should go ask around. Put a 'Barber Wanted' posting on the Atlantis bulletin board." John rolled his eyes at Elizabeth's comment. "What about the Athosians? I'm sure they have someone who cuts hair. After Teyla joined us, she got her hair cut. Maybe you should ask her who cut her hair," Elizabeth suggested.

"Athosians cutting hair? For all I know, they might just take a knife and cut hair that way, and I don't trust anyone well enough to have a knife that close to my head."

Elizabeth chuckled.

"Where do you go?" he asked.

"Excuse me?" Elizabeth looked John inquisitively.

"You're hair always looks nice," he said. "I'm sure someone must give you a hand."

"Thank you, John, but I assure you. I didn't smuggle a hair stylist on to Atlantis and kept him in my closet."

"Him?" John asked raising an eyebrow.

"Very funny, Major."

"So who does your hair?" he asked.

"I do my own hair."

"Really?"

"Is that so hard to believe?" Elizabeth asked crossing her arms over her chest.

John thought for a moment, "Actually, yeah."

Elizabeth narrowed her eyes. "I don't know whether to be offended or…offended," she said.

"I'm not insulting you. I'm just use to you being the leader, scolding me, and making negotiations with aliens. It's hard to imagine you playing with people's hair," he shrugged.

"I don't play with people's hair. I just fix my own hair. So I can look professional when negotiating with aliens or scolding you," she explained. "Can you imagine if I went to negotiate a treaty with another planet with frumpy hair?"

"I wouldn't mind if you scolded me with frumpy hair," he said without thinking. Elizabeth looked at John strangely. "Why don't you cut my hair?" John suggested.

"Come again?" Elizabeth leaned forward unsure if she heard correctly the first time.

"Why don't you cut my hair?" John repeated.  
"Didn't I just say I _don't_ play with people's hair?" Elizabeth looked at John, sure that the man had gone mad. She would definitely have to make an appointment with Heightmeyer for John.

"Yes, but that never stopped me from persuading you into doing things," John said smugly.

Elizabeth was at a loss for words. He was doing it again. He was manipulating her into doing something ridiculous again. "You are one manipulative Major you know that."

"That's me the Manipulative Major," he said proudly. "Is that a yes?"

"No," she said flatly. "Besides you trust me with a knife that close to your head?"

"I was hoping you were going to use scissors instead, but yeah, I trust you," he said.

"Okay, if your hair turns out badly, it's not my fault. You asked for it," Elizabeth warned.

John looked afraid. "You're not going to shave all my hair off are you?"

Elizabeth laughed. "I haven't thought about that, but now that you've put the thought in my head…"

"I just want you trim the top off a bit, nothing more," he said quickly. "So when is my appointment?"

Elizabeth shook her head. "I'm free after lunch. I'll be in my room."

Elizabeth opened her bag that contained all her hair products and curlers. She found a small purse that contained her hair cutting scissors and comb. When she first packed it in with her stuff, she laughed at herself, thinking this would be a waste of space. Now she was actually going to cut go someone's hair with it. This was definitely not in her job description.

The last time Elizabeth cut anyone's hair was back in college when her roommate went to a stylist and came back with an atrocious hair cut. Where her hair looked uneven and looked like she stepped out of crooked town. Even then she was only trimming her roommate's hair. Elizabeth's experience of hair cutting was very limited. She hadn't the faintest idea why John would insist on her to trim his hair. The man was either brave or had lost his mind.

A knock came on Elizabeth's door. She quickly pressed the button to open her room door. As she expected, John stood on the other side.

"Come in, John," she said. "Are you sure you want me to cut your hair? I haven't really cut anyone's hair before."

"I'm sure you'll do fine, and if you mess up. No one will notice, since my hair is messy anyway," he said, pulling up a chair to sit in.

"Not unless I accidentally cut your ear off," she said.

"Let's try not to cut my ear off. I'm not really into the whole Vincent Van Gogh look."

John's comment brought a chuckle out of Elizabeth. She went over to the bag on her bed and picked up her cutting tools. "All right, take the chair to the balcony. I don't want your blood spilling all over the floor."

"You better be joking," he said, getting up. He carried the chair with one hand and placed it in the center of the small balcony right outside Elizabeth's room and plopped himself down.

"Nice view," he said when Elizabeth stepped out of the balcony with a sheet in hand and her hair cutting tools in the other.

"Is there even a bad view in this city?" she asked, placing the sheet around under John's chin.

"I'm sure there is a bad view somewhere in the City. We've only explored a small part of the City," he pointed out.

"I guess you're right. Now how do I start?" she asked herself placing her hands on her hips, as she looked at the abstraction that was John's hair.

She figured she would moisten his hair first, maybe that would allow her to manage his hair better. She picked up her spray bottle and started to spray water on John's head. At the same time she attempted to comb his hair down.

"Your hair has a life of it's own," she announced after combing his hair for a while.

John let out a chuckle. "You know. That's what the barber I go to back on earth use to say."

"Well, it's true and I don't have to be a professional barber to tell you that," her hand resting on her hips again.

Elizabeth put the spray bottle down and picked up her scissors. Elizabeth let out a heavy sigh. Here she was Doctor Elizabeth Weir. One of Earth's most famous diplomats and she was attempting to cut an Air Force Major's unnaturally wild hair. This situation was definitely going to end badly.

Elizabeth started to cut a little bit of John's hair with her scissors using the small comb she had to gauge her cutting. At first Elizabeth was hesitant in cutting his hair, she was afraid she would cut off too much. So she started to make small snips here and there. As she continued cutting, she got a bit more confident and started to cut a bit more. She wished she had an electric clipper, that would make cutting John's hair a lot easier, but she had to make do with what she had.

"You know this is still a bad idea," she said.

"You haven't cut my ear off yet, so I think you're doing fine," John said, wiping away a piece of hair that fell on his face.

"Don't move," Elizabeth ordered and straightened John's head.

"Sorry," he said, trying to blow another piece of from his face.

They continued at this for another twenty minutes, when Elizabeth finally gave up. She looked at the floor around her and on the sheet round John. She saw bits of his hair that she had just cut. But when she looked at John head. It looked exactly the way it did before she cut it.

"I don't understand, it looks exactly the same," she said, handing him a mirror to look at.

"It's not the same. It's shorter," John said, running his hand through his hair shaking bits of hair from his head.

Elizabeth took a step back so hair wouldn't get all over he clothes. "Really? It looks the same to me," Elizabeth said brushing her hand through his hair.

"It's definitely shorter," he assured her, "and thanks for not cutting my ear off."

Elizabeth shook her head and smiled as she removed the sheet.

"I still think it looks the same. You must use MiracleGro as shampoo or something."

"You make my hair sound like some sort of out of control weed," John said getting up.

"It isn't?"

"Out of control, yes, but a weed? No."

"If you don't believe me that it does look shorter, follow me," he grabbed Elizabeth's hand and dragged her towards the door.

"Wait, I still need to clean the floor," she protested.

"We'll clean it later. The hairs on the floor aren't going anywhere," he said and proceeded to drag her down the halls towards Rodney's lab.

Rodney was hunched over his laptop staring intently on the moving graphs on his screen. His head rested on one hand his other hand was absent-mindedly playing with an empty aluminum cup.

"McKay!" John exclaimed.

Elizabeth saw Rodney jump slightly as he looked up. "Major! Can you please not do that! One day you are going to give me a heart attack. Oh hello, Elizabeth." Rodney waved to Elizabeth. "What do you want Major?" he asked with his usual impatience.

"Do you notice anything different about me?" John asked.

"Other then you're more annoying then usual?"

"Yeah other then that," John said.

"Your hair is shorter," Rodney said annoyed at John's trivial question.

"See, he noticed it's shorter," John said to Elizabeth.

"Really?" Elizabeth asked. She didn't think Rodney would notice something like John's hair even if it slapped him across the face.

"Are you implying that Rodney isn't observant?" John asked.

Elizabeth shrugged. "You told me the last time Rodney had no clue that Alina, Daganian woman was all over him, and he still didn't get it."

"I'm sitting right here!" Rodney said.

"Still he noticed," John said.

"Okay, I see your point. So it is shorter. I just couldn't tell when I was cutting it," she shrugged again.

"Wait a second, did you say that Elizabeth cut your hair?" Rodney asked.

"Yes," John smiled sheepishly.

"No," Elizabeth quickly said.

"I didn't know you cut hair. I think my hair is getting long, would you like to give me a trim too?" Rodney asked.

"No," Elizabeth said with finality.

"Why does Sheppard get a free trim?"

"Who said anything about a free trim? I was aiming to cut his ear off. I guess I missed," Elizabeth said.

"Very funny, Elizabeth. You know your duty as leader is to provide for the needs of your team members, and I think providing haircuts should be part of those needs. Look at Kavanaugh his hair is so long, everyone keep thinking he's a girl. Then again the whining doesn't help. And Zelenka his hair is just…well you know how his hair is, stereotypical mad scientist hair. Anyway my point it is your job should include providing ways for us to cut our hair."

"I thought you guys were geniuses. I'm sure you can think of ways to cut your own hair," Elizabeth said.

"And Sheppard isn't a genius?" Rodney paused and thought about the question he just asked in his head again. "Okay, I see your point, but it's still not fair."

"Really? I guess you'll have to file a complaint back to Earth telling them that I didn't provide you guys with barber, because I was too busy doing my job. Now if you'll excuse me. I have some unfinished business," Elizabeth said and left Rodney's lab.

"I still think it's not fair," Rodney complained.

"I can't help it if I'm the favorite," John smiled smugly and followed Elizabeth out.

**--Finis--**


End file.
